I’m so looking forward to talking to you about things that are getting in the way of you being happy and healthy. First of all, figuring out what they are, and then removing these roadblocks and coming up with a really clear plan of action for success. WI always want to tackle one thing and leave you from each blog post, to leave you with one thing that is taking you one step closer to you feeling absolutely brilliant, fit, healthy, and happy. That’s my a goal.
So we’re going to get stuck straight in. And first of all, I want to discuss with you all the things that may be getting in the way of you being healthy or happy. And you might relate to all of them, or you might relate to just one of them, but I want you to have that revelation .
Here are some things that might be getting in the way of you being healthy and happy.:
The first one is focusing on all the things you’re doing wrong. How do you do that? I used to be so guilty of that. Literally that would be all I would do. I remember I had a coach for years up to a couple of years ago and he was just terrific. He absolutely changed my life. But he said to me one time, “Jessica, I don’t think I’ve ever met somebody as hard on themselves as you are. And he was so right, because that’s all I used to do. I used to just focus on every single thing that I wasn’t doing right when I signed up to courses, or when I started programs. Obviously it makes such sense now that I’m not going to be good at anything because I’m new.
Because that’s what learning is all about!
But I would take that and use it as a stick to beat myself with. So I would start the course and all of a sudden you’d be in a member’s Facebook group and I’d be looking at all the people around me posting and thinking, oh my God, I’m so bad. I’m just so bad. I know nothing. And the same, when I would have a coaching call with him. He would just be helping me through these things and I would be thinking, ‘oh my God, I’m so bad. I’m so bad’.
Are you the same?
Do you focus on all the things you’re doing wrong? Well, that’s holding you back because you are never going to learn stuff if you are constantly telling yourself how bad you are at it. I see it the whole time. I’ve been coaching women, I’ve been coaching you guys for 15 years now. And so many of you start the program and tell me how bad you are. And yet, for some of you, just the week before you weren’t doing any exercise at all. Think about that!
You go from no exercise and not being hard on yourself to, in this particular point, to actually starting to exercise. And then all of a sudden, that negative self-talk creeps up and gets really, really loud. And actually, for some clients that have never lasted with me, that have only done one or two weeks with me, it’s one of the big reasons that they stop themselves, is their mindset. They can’t shake off that negative, ‘I’m not good at this’ feeling. So they quit and it breaks my heart because you have to get good at something that you are a beginner at, before you can be good.
You have to be bad at something to get good. It blows my mind. And for so many people, it’s actually easier for them to quit than to face the consequences of starting out and what it is to be starting out, which means that your technique might be not be so good. You’re going to be more breathless. Your face is going to be red. (I actually love my face being red. It makes my skin feel really nice!) All those negative failures-life feelings. When you start exercise, if you’re not comfortable with that, and you don’t like feeling those feelings and you don’t know that they’re normal, you’re going to stop.
And you’re going to go back to square one and you’re not going to have completed or achieved your fitness and exercise program and start to feel good. No, you’re going to stop because you can’t hack it. You can’t hack the feeling of what it’s like to be a beginner. So you quit!
You get other people who go, “Yeah, I know. I’m really unfit. I haven’t done this in a long time. So the first couple of weeks are going to be tough, but then I know it’s going to get easier.” Boom. You don’t have that issue. That’s brilliant.
The next thing that might be getting you in the way of being healthy and happy is striving for perfection.
You see so many patterns when you work with women and over the past 15 years. And one of them is striving for perfection, which pretty much means ‘all or nothing’. And I sometimes think you can use striving for perfection as an excuse, like, “Oh, I’m such a perfectionist. I just want to get everything right. Therefore, I’m frozen.” I, again, used to be like this. Actually, everything I talk about today is just, I’m just describing myself up until a few years ago.
Striving for perfection. Yes , you mean you’re all or nothing. You mean you’re going to do five workouts one week and no workouts the next. You’re going to restrict yourself completely and be really low on calories and then bang. Boom. I can see it as clear as the nose in front of me, that it is just, it happens all the time. And you’ve got to stop it. You’ve got to stop the striving for perfection. But every time you tell yourself, you’re a perfectionist, I’d like you to tell yourself that you’re inconsistent instead.
You’re inconsistent. You’re not striving for perfection. You’re inconsistent. And it sounds a lot more negative in a good way when you tell yourself you’re inconsistent, rather than telling yourself, you’re such a perfectionist. Don’t wear that perfectionist thing like a badge of honour. It’s not good. You mean you are inconsistent. All of my successful clients are consistent and they might appear to be doing less than all or nothing people, but they’re not. They’re week in, week out banging that same drum, banging that same drum slowly but surely.
And they’re getting results because they’re consistent. All or nothing is a load of bollox. The next time you catch yourself cutting carbs, going super low in calories, know that you and me are going to be chatting in about four weeks. You might last six weeks time and the weight’s going to come piling on. You’re not going to feel motivated. Your clothes are going to be tight. And it’s because you went for all or nothing. If you can’t keep it up, if you can’t sustain it, why are you doing it? Why are you doing it?
Another one is a lack of confidence.
Again, utterly describing myself here. And a lack of confidence can really, really hold you back. I almost feel sad for the old me at the excruciating lack of confidence that I had that held me back in so many ways. And it made me not be myself and be so afraid to be authentically me. And it’s something that I work so hard on now, every day, being authentic, being really, really me because I feel like I let myself down so much when I was younger around people. I let myself so much that I wasn’t able to be myself and I was so afraid.
And I was trying to impress people the whole time and be such a people pleaser that it’s one of my focuses I work so hard on… to be authentic. Confidence is like a muscle and it builds over time. And if you’ve got a lack of confidence, you’re probably overthinking things. You might have difficulty making decisions. You’ve got an all or nothing mindset. You’ve got a fixed mindset. Remember, a fixed mindset is believing that you can’t change. A growth mindset is believing that the personality traits that you’re born with, you can adapt and grow.
Negative self talk, if you are constantly… If you’ve just got a very loud, negative voice in your head telling you that you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you can’t do this, you’re whatever. We all have it, but how loud is yours? And let me tell you now, you are going to achieve in life, what you believe you deserve. So everything you’re calling yourself negatively, it has consequences. It is limiting what you are wanting to achieve in life. So if you’ve got a vision board, or if you’ve got goals up there, is the person who you are, going to be able to achieve those goal? Yes.
Is the person who’s constantly telling themselves how shit they are, going to be able to achieve them? Absolutely not. You can have the best meaning in the world, but if you’ve got a negative self-talk going on, you are not going to get anywhere because you’re going to constantly either self-sabotage or go around in circles or go all or nothing, which is inconsistency.
And you’re not going to get where you want to be all from a lack of confidence. So I’m going to give you a few tips on how to build up your confidence after I’ve gone through, first of all, all the really negative things that are holding you back and holding me back.
Only doing things that make you feel good at that kind of ties into number one, that could be a holding you back too. You can’t bear feeling bad at something so you only do things that you know you succeed at. That can really, really hold you back because you’re not going to try new things and you’re not going to give those uncomfortable feelings. You’re not going to learn how to live with them. So you’re going to stop and focus only on the things you feel you’re winning at.
And remember that expression? Have you heard that expression before that it’s really healthy to be in a room full of people where you feel the least smart? Well, that is so true.
That is so true. And I remember when I did that amazing mentorship program with my fitness business. And I remember my coach telling me that you don’t want to be the smartest person in the room, you want to be the dumbest person in the room and have all these people to learn from. And I was that exact person who would be in that room and just everybody’s success would be the stick to beat myself with rather than have a really terrific attitude and say, “Oh my God, I’m so lucky to be surrounded by all these people who are up another level from me with different areas that I wanted to be higher up myself in.”
Rather than have that approach and learn from them, I’ve just got into this horrible negative. I’m so bad. I’m so bad at this. I’m so terrible. And I just, it was just so silly. Thankfully, I’m out of that now. And I don’t do that anymore. But you’ve got to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable if you want to grow and change. And giving up on things you don’t feel good at. Giving up, giving up just because you don’t think you’re great or giving up because you’ve had a few inconsistent weeks. It drives me up the walls and bananas.
It’s not a straight line to success. You have to be going up and down to get success. You have go through challenges. And this kind of mentality of quitting because things aren’t going your way is just unbelievable. And I’d like to think of yourself as a spoiled person. When you see yourself, when you hear yourself doing that. I try and do that, “Oh, Jessica things aren’t going well for you. Poor you. What do you want to do, quit?” And it quickly snaps you out of it. I mean, what the hell? Oh, things aren’t going so super well. So I’m going to quit. What? Why do you have to go from A to Z in a split second?
I’m having a tough week, quit. What about I’m having a tough week. I’m going to pull back a little bit, reflect, review, and go at it again on Monday. Or I’m just going to go to bed and rest because you know what? I can tell I need a good night’s sleep because everything’s getting on top of me. What about that? We tend to go overboard when we are feeling tired or run down and we make rash decisions. I heard a great bit of advice there years ago from somebody that said to me, “When you’re tired and exhausted and you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t think about anything seriously. Park it all and go about your day by eating and just doing the bare necessities and talking to your family and going for a walk. And that’s it. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.”
And you know what? It helps. It helps so much because you stop being so dramatic and you stop judging yourself so harshly on a couple of bad days or weeks.
So these are the things that might be holding you back. And we are going to remove these road blocks in this post. And I want you to leave this blog knowing one thing you do that’s holding you back and a commitment to making that change. Grab a pen and paper. These are the things that are holding you back.
Focusing on all the things you’re doing wrong;
a lack of confidence; (Don’t forget. Striving for perfection is inconsistency.)
Only doing things you feel good at and giving up on things you don’t feel good at;
Now, this is leading you to going around and around and around in circles. And I want you to remember that circling equals feeling bad about yourself. And feeling bad about yourself when you get on rock bottom equals you start to do something about it. And then doing something about it and then repeating the above behaviour equals going around in circles.
So you just go around and around in circles. Striving for perfection or lack of confidence stops you from being consistent, which makes you stop. But then you hit rock bottom again, and then you start again, but then you feel bad. Circle, circle, circle, circle, get out of the circle and get onto a straight line. Straight line. You don’t want circles, you want straight bloody lines. Straight lines. You can do it. Get on a straight line and stop being circular. At the very least, know your behaviour isn’t serving you and make this day the day you’re going to commit.
Commit to changing one only one aspect of your behaviour by changing one habit that’s related around your mindset. So we’ve discussed some of the things that are potentially getting in the way of you being happy and healthy and achieving your goals.
You’ve removed those roadblocks by committing and writing on paper, write it now if you haven’t, the one behaviour change you can recognise in yourself that’s holding you back.
And then you’re going to write how you are going to change this. But I’m going to help you with that now.
So instead, this is what you are going to do.
From now on, you are going to focus on all the things you are doing right. Sounds bananas. I need you to understand it on a deeper level. This is going to help you build momentum. For example, with health and fitness. If you’ve skipped workouts, eaten loads of shit during the week and you feel rubbish, you don’t focus on that, you actually let it go. You’re not ignoring it, you know it’s happened, but you don’t need to constantly keep telling yourself it’s happened. You just let it go. And you focus on what you’re doing right. Find the things you’re doing right.
And continue to tell yourself all the things you’re doing right. I swear to you, this builds momentum. It builds momentum.
Celebrate your wins, make a move, do something with your body. Have a cup of tea, say out loud, “I did that really well. I got to work it in.” You have to build up the muscle. You have to get your brain to get that dopamine hit of a sense of achievement that’s going to remind you that, oh, I want to keep on doing this. Oh my God. That is going to make you feel so confident. Strive for consistency. Drop everything else. Don’t aim for perfection. Strive for consistency.
In the health and fitness world, that’s three workouts and two walks and eating healthy most of the time, versus going on a restrictive diet, cutting out carbs, getting five workouts in getting, five walks in and then not being able to work out the next week.
Strive for consistency, strive to be operating on a higher level self, strive for excellence in yourself. But excellence is about also excellence in resting, excellence in watching a show you love, excellence in being able to laugh. It’s not just excellence in deprivation and restriction.
Excellence can mean whatever you choose it to mean. How can you aspire to have an excellent life? What is an excellent life for you? What would it take for you to feel good most of the time. Write that down. And that’s your higher level excellent life. So do that. Build up your confidence. You have got to get your confidence up. If you don’t get your confidence up, you’re going to go back into that circular behavioural pattern.
How do you build up confidence? Keep the promises you make to yourself. Whether that’s you said you were going to go for a swim or a cup of coffee, or you were going to do a workout. Keep the promises you make to yourself.
Be consistent with small daily habits, not big dramatic stuff. Be consistent. If you say three workouts, get three workouts done. That’s going to help you build your confidence. Because remember, confidence is like a muscle.
Regularly reviewing and celebrating your wins. If you get a session done, don’t just finish your session and jump into the shower. Say, “Jesus well done. I got my session in. Get that muscle flexing. Get used to telling yourself that you’re doing good. Get used to that. As Tony Robbin says, focus 95% of your time on solutions and only 5% of your time on your problems, i.e Acknowledge your problems, but swiftly, move on to solutions.
Celebrate your wins, forget what’s not going so well. And consistently planning your next new small wins.
What am I doing next week? What am I doing next week? I did this last week. How did I get on? I did great. That’s terrific. What’s my plan for next week? Review. Take action. Review. Take action. Tweak. Review. Take action. Tweak. And you’ll absolutely fly it for the rest of your life. I’m not talking to you about flying it and losing weight and feeling good for a couple of weeks.
I’m talking to you about a lifestyle that you can take with you for the rest of your life and feel absolutely terrific most of the time for the rest of your life, that you have the tools to achieve your goals and feel so good. Feel so good.
My last point, get comfortable learning new things and the uncomfortable feelings that come with that. So over the years I have had people start with me and they don’t last. They don’t suit the program. They’re not good fits. And the reason is because everything is negative from the get go. You can see, you can see it in them when they start that they’ve already decided that they’re failing.
And if I could just help fix that with as many people as I can, I’d be so happy. You can see them, you start, then they’re already gone. I’m going to fail. I’m going to fail. I’m going to fail. Can you relate to that? It’s that close-minded uncomfortable with being you, uncomfortable with not being good at something that’s holding you back.
Learn how to live with uncomfortable feelings, learn how to live with it. Because most of the time when you’re feeling uncomfortable with something and you’re striving to achieve a goal, it means that you are winning, you’re succeeding. And don’t forget that success is a mix of success and failure. You have to fail to succeed. It’s a series of many failures and many wins along the way. You have to enjoy your journey. So get comfortable not being so good about something. Get comfortable being in a room full of people that you perceive to be better at you than something. That’s how you learn. That’s how you get good.
Be warned of the people that start programs and already tell themselves that they’re going to fail. Let that be a warning sign. When you start a program, when you’re doing something new, what happens to your mindset? Does your negative voice kick in or do you go, “Of course, I’m not going to be good at this. Of course, I’m not. I’ve only started it, but I’m looking forward to being good. The stuff that I’m not doing so great now I’m so excited in a couple of weeks to see how well I’m doing. God, it’s going to be a great marker of progression.”
Watch how you talk to yourself, change your mindset and change your life. I promise you. Oh, I really hope you got one thing out of this blog. And if you’ve got a pen and paper there and you want to go now and write down for you, what’s going to help you change your mindset, go and do that now. I hope you enjoyed this. If you did enjoy it, I would love to hear from you.
Email me at Jessica@inspirefitnesstraining.ie or comment below.
I’d love to hear from you. All my love. Have a lovely day.
Jessica Cooke X